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i went out to the bar last night, i was feeling great, i said "Mom! i feel fantastic, im going out tonight! free pool woohoo hang out with the gang!" shes like i wouldnt, your going to have a relapse, and im all like na mom, no....she said ya okay...what time you gonna be back, i said i dunno....so i went out....oh my...i hate it when mom is right...got there around 9 30..everything was hunky dorey...met up with christine and naomi....naomi all happy cause she gotta new car...Mazda 6...perdy nice automobile if you ask me....but anywho, so shes like lets go for a ride! and christine goes, we should pee first...so we did that, then drove up to burger king...i high suggest never EVER going to burger king in baltimore...lol just dont do it....we get to the drive in window, and we didnt know if the chick was talking to us or not, and were like laughing and carring on cause we dont know whats going on, then this heffa goes "can you please bequiet i am not talking to you" i turned around and looked at christine i was like *gasp* did you hear her?!? i wana talk to a manager! then chris is like no no shes just a bitch, and im like ya...so then we finally take the order, and shes all gota attitude and what not, shes not even in her proper work uniform...*rolls eyes* shes being a real bitch...i was like ya well, i guess id be a bitch too if i were like 29 sum years old workin at a burger king full time...and then we started driving off, and i told naomi and chris "watch she was probably going to pull out a gun from her register and shoot us!" so anyways...we get back to the bar...they eat theyre food, and started playin pool...well...fuckin chris kept kickin my ass! so once her gf got to the bar, she was bein all lovey dovey with her, so i was pushin my balls inthe pockets :-D mhhmm...it was grand...and she was like pooper! where did all your balls go?! i say im winning! lol...shes like no you cheat..and tried to hit me with her pool stick....then this chick named...i want to say Jt, came up to me and was like hey...lol she was drunk...shes so hott tho so its all good...then...oh my...okay, so then  my "relapse" starts kicking in.  and im like chris, i cant breath dude, shes like well, go stand in the corner away from the smoke, or we can go out side...so i stand in the corner...my ribs feel like theyre pushing themselves together, a sharp pain behind my heart...the best example of it is someone litterally twisting a knife in my heart and shredding it through my spine and lower back...so then naomi pulled me aside, and waslike "are you okay? "i said no, i cant breath...i hurt etc.she told me that shes had intrest in my for quite some time now, and wants to go out to dinner some time, so i was like sure, ya know..that would be nice...so who knows when thats gonna happen, cause she asks me all the time...but she was really nervous this time, so it was differnet, plus she drank some beer so lol...what a dork...so then fran came in, she felt my forhead, and she was like lady, you need to go home...frans hands are so warm...if theres anything i truely miss about her, is how soft her skin is and how warm it is...i could just lay in her arms all day long and not need a blanket cause theyre so warm lol....but i went to my car..got in it...stopped breathing...FUCK, so i called christine, naomie drove me home in my car, christine and her gf followed us....i felt bad caue i live like 45 mins away from the bar...but ya, so they drove me home, theyre great friends...i was going to throw my cigs out the window..but i didnt lol....but ya....so im home....the end

drinking the night away....see...not one sober night....

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i havent updated in a while...so ya...here i go...i went to the Emergency room!! ive only been there like three times in my life...one...i was born..DUH...two, when i flipped my car...haha oh my goodness...three the other night i was having chest pains, i couldnt breath, and i was feeling super weak....so moms freakin out and brings me to the ER in annapolis right? im sitting there cryin cause i cant breath and im scared cause ya im scared...and dude ALL MY DOCTORS WERE GUYS...made me feel uncomfortable...but ya, so i went in there around 10, left at 2 in the morning.poor mommy i lover you...but ya, so while we waited for the dr;s to come in my room the gave me this medicine that i have no clue how to say or spell and dont feel like going upstairs to get it, but i know its got codine in it...haha everytime i take it i think of cocaine..i dont know why i guess just cause of how its spelled...but ya, so they gave me that and that shit really fucked me up..i was layin on the bed thing watchin "West Side Story" and that was nuts! that medicine...woo...knocked my butt out.. so anyways mom woke me up from my slumber and the nurse took me in a wheel chair to go get X-Rays...that stupid woman in there gahh she pissed me off...she was like "and why do you need to get X-Rayed" im like um cause i CANT BREATH! I HAVE CHEST PAINS!" i so wanted to say just do your job, dont ask questions...but ya, so all in all, i have ahem AHEM : Bronchidus, a bad sinus infection, and my interior muscles in my chest are bruised from coughing and smoking etc etc....gahhh!!! :'( that sucka so bad...i cant get up in the morning cause when i lay down to sleep, everything seeps into my chest and just sits there, so then i cant get up to take my medicine, so im like MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm i can no breath!!!!!! and gah this morning i had to keep getting up to get blankets...i slept with 4 comforters and i was still cold...my NOSE was even cold... its nuts so ya...im going to quit smoking...but ya..i doubt that will work so i need help lol...maybe i'll get...dun dun dunnnnnnnn THE PATCH!haha oh yeah oh yeah...man i sound so chipper yet im siting here holding my side crying...good god oh mighty this sucks monkey balls...and ya...

anywho...

today crystal might come spend the night...that'll be fun cause my brothers are having a big halloween party at the house, and theres going to be bands, and costumes...but alas, i do not have one, so im goin TOGA..or however you spell it....ya know, wrap the sheet around your body..that whole ordeal....i told crystal id drive to get her with it on lol, oh man thatd be grand all right! but ya, im gonna sit her and just...sit here...so hit me up on yahoo or aim ya'll

have a good day...be healthy for me lol mom took a picture of me in the hospital...i was like mom dont you do it...but she did it...meany head...

well i figured since i haven't updated in a while, i might as well..so i am!! well...umm.. *scratches head* i dont really know what to say...um mlast night i went to shannons' and drank a little bit...ive been doing that a lot lately...and its not like its helping me problems because all i do is get all emotional and stupid and just no...ya just no... plus i hate waking up at 7 in the morning to go to work afterwards fo sho.... but ya so im gunna stop that...even though i might go drinking tonigh..*shrugs* ya... anywho on a brighter note!!

im going to hang out with MANDY, SHAWNA, KANDICE AND MIZ TOMORROWW how faulous is that!!! well im excited!! i wonder where were going to end up..i have no clue what the plans are for tomorrow..dont even know what im going to wear...its gonna suck kinda cause they both have they're girlfriends with them and not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

alrighty then so im just chillin...yeppppppppp justtttttttttt chillin...what a mood swing ey? yep...

fuck you and you and definitely you....ya you too mmhhhmm...

you biggggggggg time!

oh man...

oh i forgot..

fuck you too

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ya so...chase and i got into a big argument today...ive never argued with her before...it was horrible...so is this what a ...a...nevermind...god...what the fuck....ive never felt so alone before...i feel lik ei need some air sucked back into my body before i faint and fall into a coma, all because of love...all because yet again..i I FUCKED IT UP...yet again...

god...

er.......

i cant even describe how im feeling right now...i cried throughout shark tale...ya..i did...because ...im dying...

and i want to die in your arms chase...

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pissed off

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for all of you that think im being selfish by not staying in contact with anyone for a while..let me give you a heads up of whats going on in my life at this moment in time....

-im working full fucking time
-my gf has liver cancer
-im working on getting more jobs so i can see chase so i can take care of her.
-im trying to get out of debt.
-trying to keep out of drama...even though ppl are getting pissed off at me for not talking to them! dude just shut the fuck up..seriously...just do it

i know its not much to you all..but its a lot to me...it doesnt matter to you, but it does to me..so please, all of you that think i HATE YOU,  and that i'm NOT TALKING TO YOU, and dont CARE TO...think again...i feel like ripping out all of what little hair i have and just runnin away...gah $^#^#$&#$%#$%^*#$&%^#$^!$&#$*$

thats just the "heads up" for the day...

ash, i will call you and pick up my stuff soon lady

why do i always and forever, find myself contemplating on why i am doing the distance, and then thinking well if i dont do it, im prbably going to regret not doing it, and vice versa, am i just back in for a break down? i dontk now...im trapped in yet another hole and i cant get myself out...im constantly digging deeper, when all i want to do is get out...i just need someone to hand me the rope to help...but i never take it...

anyways....my new jobs going well....got my pay check... :-D soon i will be outta fucking maryland...who knows where i will end up, i was thinking california with chase, but shes not talking to me, so i may just hit up DE...i love it there..

so im just sitting here, you know thinking about what im going to be writing next...hmmmmm

last night i drove up to hagerstown and hung out with crystal for a little bit, then drove down to frederick...nic and i went and got a bite to eat at "Fridays." had a great conversation with her about how her and i dont want to or ever have sex with eachother hahaha it was so funny...but ya

sooooooooooo today, i work up around 8, went to good o'l high school to visit cause i was bored and mr.driver wanted to talk...*devil man* it was so cute i went into choir and everyones like toriiiiiiiii and im like oh yes, i feel so awesome! hahaha it was great seeing all of them again...then i walked into mr.drivers room and he was in a bad mood with his class, then he started lecturing me about how the job i have now isnt a good one because im not happy..but im like dude, a jobs a job, i need the money, and this is where im getting it from...like i really dont mind working there, despite the fact that everyone there is like 40 years older then myself, and i need something that keeps me moving and running around 24 7...but ya, so he lectured me, then i went and walked out to the atrium and danny, was like tori TORIIIIIIIIIIIII OMGGGGGGGG ran up to me and kinda swung me around, it was super cute.  hes got 4 extra tickets to see metallicaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im like hmmmmmmm ooooooooo maybeeeeeee 70 dolla not so bad hmmmmmm...so then i went to the cafeterica and nay walks up to me and gives me the biggest hug ever! it was fabulous... thennnnnnnnnnn um thennnnnnnnnnnnnn i left, drove to work at 11, i was there for an hour and lorraine goes, um ya so we dont have water AGAIN, toilets arent working AGAIN, so Lee (my boss) said that anyone who wants to go home, can, so of course i did...hellooooooo you think im loco? pssh...a water main thing broke...there was water burstin out of the parking lot across from us...i was like wtf  were those dumb ass's doin over there? crazy crazy..dont ask questions just do it...ya....

soooooo now, crystal just text me and she wants me to go up to hagerstown and hang out after work, but im like ehhhh she probably can only chill for like a hour and that would suck, i mean it wouldnt be a waste cause id get to see her, butttttt i really dont have the money right now to be doing that etc you know? oh yes you know how we do!

but ya...heres a picture of me doing nothing at work, mean while the printer behind me was getting jammed and i didnt even realize it till i went to get the paper and it no want to come out!

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well this weekend was rather interesting, i spent it up in west virginia visiting a great friend of mine, Brie...i thought i was getting away from drama, from girls, heart ache, everything, but always and forever like usual, it followed...i mean there wasnt really any drama, just heart ache..i met up with this one girl, i dont know if  i should put her name in here due to the fact that i dont want her gf or anyone of her friends reading this that could get her into more trouble then she already is with me...even though i didnt do anything but hey its whatever...it takes two to tango right? gahh...man nvm..fuck this entry...nothing every fucking matters anywhere...

i guess some people were just meant to be alone...

 me and the un named lady in my car

 brie and i, we just woke up hahaha

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yay so i finally deleted all those blasted old journal entries...took long enough, and since i know theres probably some awesome way to delete them all at once instead of individually...alas right...i just got back from the bar, met up with maggie, christine, angel, that one chick that always stares at me and i dont know her name, angels man haha, christa, her friend, nhaomie and a few others...fran was up there too, she tried kissing me right? i give my friends hello kisses on the cheeks, and she puckered up her lips, and i turned my face and kissed her on the cheek...it was grand...i sang again of course "the first cut is the deepest" sheryl crow baby! cant go wront with her!  as i was sitting there listening to the other singers i was getting sweet text messages from crystal....shes so fuckin awesome, i just wish things could be different...

anywho, im stayin at Bries' house this weekend! im mad excited cause i havent seen her in fuckin forever...okay three months but still...its gonna be fabulous! and since she has to work 8-5, crystal and i are going to hang out at martinsburg mall, where ever the fuck that is...im going to WESTTTTTTTTTTTT VIRGINIA!

man im so beat, im ready to hit the hay...all you cool kats have a great night, dream of marvelous things like hot mad sex between a dirty hooker and a dirty mexican....ohhhhhhhh you know how we do!

 what im going to be doing soon hahahah

oooo a  pic from the bar...i was tryin to get on this telephone pole, lol scary shit! see heres the pic of me in the process of getting on the pole

 <---me gettin on it finally after a million tries

hahaha see that's me!! holdin onto that blasted pole for dear life! everyone had to help me get up there cause im too short lol...ya ya....not terribly short, but enough to not be able to do that

but ya due to the fact that my punk ass has to wake up at 7 in the morning to get ready for work at oh lets see 8 30-4 30, im gonna go to bed...na nite all, sweet dreams